Four Months In

So I am in my fourth month of residency....god do I cherish sleep now. I am on vacation. I was getting angry before my vacation. Angry at people never being satisfied, patients, attendings, nurses. I was just working and sleeping. I forgot to plan a vacation. I couldn't decide where to go so I just forgot about it.

So now I am spending my vacation at home and it feels so good. I went shopping several times. I mean why work like a maniac and earn money if you can't enjoy it? I am thinking that maybe I should have gotten a big tv instead....(yes I spent that much money).

I went and saw the Kings of Leon...it was amazing.

I also did something that is probably not my brightest idea yet. However, I did prove my point to someone who was not the most understanding person. That person learned that it is possible for someone to love more than one person and to be absolutely uncertain of what the hell you want.

I have a few more days of time to myself. I can wake up when I want, dance around in my underwear and drink coffee all day long! I do not have to practice medicine! I am also trying to forget that my 28th birthday is coming around.

So much to deal with. Okay, maybe my problems are not that serious.

Grandpa

This year is full of surprises good and bad.

My grandfather died yesterday, after having several strokes in the past year.

He was a wonderful person....I do not remember him ever being angry. I cannot believe that I will not see him when I go home. I will continue to cherish the memories of our time together. I am heartbroken. I will be for a while.

what's new?

Well...work is a killer. I worked 97.5 hours last week. Made possible by the three 30-hour shifts I had. I am still alive so I guess I can do it. I would like to be better at it though.

Another thing I noticed since that last time I blogged. Totally a vain thing to say/write...but I believe I have an amazing ass. I just noticed it for the first time. I have been told that it is great but I did not believe it til now. I think it might be the best it will ever be...not too much, firm but soft and round. I am afraid that it will change after child birth...as if I am pregnant! There is not even a prospective father so that's a weird thing. I just wanted to document somewhere that at 27, I think I have an amazing ass.

I have decided that I am going to be a buff little machine....I mean I have nothing else to do but work, eat and sleep. I might as well perfect the body, right?


Okay I have to go and read....that's what we call it now. Not study but read.

About the love thing...

I read somewhere that when it comes to love (paraphrasing)....that we love who we love and we can only hope and be lucky that the person or people who we love allow us to love them. If not...then well try someone else. Sometimes, it's confusing when they love you but they don't.

However, this is the first time that I fell in love and was not aware of it until after the fact. So it was not intentional, or a lust thing or infatuation. It was probably the most innocent thing and nothing ever happened. I like that nothing ever happened.

In my attempt to simplify life, if that is possible...I see it (love) as something that we have no control over so why worry about it. As in you cannot make someone else love you so why go crazy and act out? You try...it hurts then you move on and just be glad you met a wonderful person.

So now that I am no longer pining for someone...there is someone who I think likes me. Or is at least curious about me. I thought we were just hanging out as classmates...but umm yeah. He thinks I am hilarious, a common point of view if you have a sense of humor.

I noticed I tend to smother people with attention when I like them. I am going to try the nonchalant approach and see what happens.

Going to bed now...I have another 30-hour call tomorrow. Lets hope I do not run any beds into a wall this time. Yay me?!

July 4th 2009

Well...I cooked, studied, and shared my food.

Watched fireworks...and the day ended pleasantly. I think. It was a pej-surprise lol. I had July 4th in my intern year off!! How awesome is that?!

Update

Currently listening to Feist, forgot how much I liked her!

So I worked my first 30-hour shift...and it was not that bad. I started feeling like a zombie during the 24th hour but other than that it was alright. I saw some interesting things....got used to returning pages with "Hello...this is doctor...how can I help you?"

The other intern working with me was fun to have around, thank goodness for that. Also easy on the eyes ;).

I slept for 20 mins...I appreciate naps now.

I will learn alot this year...I will also pick my battles carefully.

I also think I like being alone. I like people but I also like being alone, only listening to the noise I make. Dealing with my own messes. Nothing to explain to anyone. When you go on a date...they leave after they walk you to the door. Maybe it will get old...but for now, I love it.

PURE BLISS

He said....

"I rarely make the same mistake twice...I am disappointed." Really amusing!

I have an interesting case to prepare for!!!

Yes...I have a case! I have to read about aorto-enteric fistulas.

That is what I will focus on today...work, workedy, work!!! Interesting stuff! Am I actually glad that I am doing Surgery for the first year?! Yes I am!

Also...today's lesson is that I should not always indulge myself...really. Just because you can does not mean you should.

I am not opposed to:

1. Grand gestures of love
2. Being complimented (yes tell me how lovely I am...again)
3. Kisses
4. Hugs
5. Smart guys...especially smarter than me
6. Really tall guys...or umm guys with pecs who are taller than me:)
7. Gentlemanly behavior (do treat me like a lady)
8. Being laughed at...otherwise there would be no point in me being ridiculous
9. You wanting to see me soon...and actually saying that you do ;o)
10. .......(Thinking of something profound for # 10)....
10. (Ahh thought of something)...Reminding you everyday that I think you are AMAZING...because I think that you are

Ethics.....:P

Ethics...."the discipline/philosophy dealing with what is good and bad and with moral duty and obligation. "

I think that when someone has thought about their values and decided what is precious, right, and how they will approach certain problems then they are living ethically...They have a philosophy about life and their responsibility in society.

However, when one just follows what they were taught, not questioning it, not using their ability to reason then they have a problem. For example, the people who bomb abortion clinics...I really think their ability to reason is absent. If you believe ending a life is a sin...how do you justify your bombing?

The worst crimes against humanity have been committed by people who believed in a philosophy but they perhaps failed to have a set of their own principles. So if someone changed the philosophy, they simply followed even if it went against what they believed before.

So putting it plainly, I believe most people (except sociopaths), if they think about it, can be good.

Makes sense?...I am not very good at explaining my point of view.

ACLS certified and now for more orienting next week!

Today I am ACLS certified....I am supposedly ready to assist or conduct the keepin' alive of people fixin' to die! Yes I am truly living in the South and I love it!

I like my classmates so far...as usual not many females like me or at least they are indifferent. I wonder what is up with that?! You would think I would figure it out by now. I do not do cliques, I talk to whom ever wants to talk to me so maybe that's why. I smile alot and I cannot help but do or say something silly usually...so I do not think I seem unfriendly. My father once said my shyness could be mistaken for being aloof.

Oh well. We will work together and figure it all out.

In the meantime I will continue in my quest for self-improvement.

Toodles!!!

Michael Jackson died today

Michael Jackson is dead...my earliest memory of him is of me being about 3 or 4 years old (yes folks my memories go way back) and I was watching Thriller. It scared me so much I had to ran outside the house.

So today when they played Thriller on TV...I danced the Thriller-dance in nothing but my panties. (being in my panties is my steady-state).

Today a legend was lost...and now I really want to learn all the moves in that Thriller video to honor Michael in my own special way.

Sometimes

Sometimes you take a risk...put yourself out there and you can't tell if someone caught you or if you landed on your face.

Sometimes it's funny...sometimes not so much. I don't know if I will do that again. The risking part...

Sometimes love makes you make a total fool of yourself! It's like I am in 7th grade again...

Goodness I wonder why you didn't run away screaming!! Maybe you like it?! Or maybe you did run away and I just can't tell!

What can I say...you make me want to be better in every way possible.
...you...there I go again...darn it!

Okay stopping now...

You are still fascinating, I love to hear you laugh, or chew or hum, or just to stare at you while you stare at me. You staring at me because maybe I puzzle you...me wondering what the heck is going on in your mysterious head...I will never know. Why is it so hard for men to share?!

Sometimes...I can't help it, like this time. This lope-sided love is going to have to stop. Especially when you fall in love with the person you won't need to practice "self-preservation" for. ;o).

Sometimes life is interesting! Okay, it always is.

New Intern Orientation....not joyful?!

Today I was welcomed into the world of being a surgical intern...verbally. I was encouraged to learn as much as I can from the numerous long hours to come. I was told that I should watch out for the burnout that is quite common during the first year of residency training. In order to illustrate just how serious this burnout is....examples were given of a young doctor who shot himself in front of his chiefs. Point taken. If I was happy, this morning's stories like the one I just shared just sucked it out of me.

I despise feeling overwhelmed, like I need someone, but anyway after such an enlightening day, I came home with the goal of paying my bills. Once again...not a great situation. I wrote my checks...fretting to myself about how, I do not understand why I thought I knew how to handle money. Also about how I have no other source...I hate it when I start feeling this way. I have always figured it out. Since I was 17 and had to start taking care of myself. So while I fret about my bills...and how I am going to handle my stress. I need to remember I am not alone.

While I am not religious...only because I do not think anyone is right or wrong about a Creator existing. I would rather not choose one. It keeps me open-minded and I do not have to particularly follow an organization. I am not very good at that.

So my point being...I do pray/talk to the Creator about my problems. I strongly believe help comes to those who help themselves. As opposed to sitting around and praying about it. So we talk, mostly a one-sided conversation and I handle my business. Way too many wonderful things have happened to me so I do not think I am not looked after. Sometimes I think it's my mother's and grandmother's prayers being answered, because they pray much more than I do.

So today I am thankful that all my family is well, that all my friends are well and that I too, am well. I am thankful that I am not starving to death nor is anyone I know. I am thankful for the opportunities that I have been given to make a difference.

I feel better now.

Goodnight.

I start tomorrow

Tomorrow morning at 7:30 a.m. I am supposed to report to the hospital to be oriented and whatever else they think is necessary. I am a tad anxious about it....the last time I was there the nurses kept calling me "doctor"...no my name is "this" to which they responded "But you have earned it!!". Alright, I have earned it. However, "doctor" is what I will be doing not who I am.

I feel like there is so much I have to learn from everyone around me...I mean everyone. Walking around calling myself doctor makes me feel like I am telling everyone that I know what I am doing all the time, which would not be true.

How am I going to handle this year of training....so that it does not kill my spirit because 80-hour work weeks can do that...kill your spirit I mean. I will try to be more proactive, decide how to react to things and not just react. Also, I will keep the end goal in mind...caring about the patient and being thankful for the opportunity to learn. I will just remember who I am. This is what I am hoping to do.

I will come back and read this...when I am having a really horrible time. I chose this path, because there was nothing else that would make me happy. So I will embrace the experience and let it teach me to be a better physician and person.

2008

I just noticed that a whole year is missing in my blog! A whole year! I know I was all over the place that year, living in different hospitals and such. Still this is strange! Things happened that year, important things. Perhaps there was something amiss. I was too busy, stagnant or ....

Anyway, I think it's strange that I almost got hitched and I did not even mention it. Talk about not being ready, I could not even plan a wedding! I was so upset that year!!! Well, obviously I survived so maybe it's alright that I am missing a whole year of my average of four entries a year.

I am back to regular blogging now. Probably because I have no one to tell my random thoughts and I mean I just have to document my insanity so look forward to it.

I am mortified

I have just read the things I wrote over the years....and I am mortified that you are going to read them. Some of them make no sense! Why....oh why?! I guess it's too late to do anything about it.

I can even hear you laughing at me!!! But then again you always do, laugh at me that is. Deep breaths...focus on deep breaths. I will just pretend that no one reads anything I write.

In a new place and state of mind

So I am excited! I am not sure why yet. I feel like there is so much to look forward to in every sense possible. I have a new city to discover, a new hospital to figure out, new people to meet, and so much more!

Sometimes I freak out about doing all this alone...but I am not really alone. I have my family and friends all a phone call away.

I also feel like I am in love....in love with the idea of a person. I am more positive. Granted, I was moping around the other day because I am impatient when I think I know what I want. Well, actually I am surprised at my own openness sometimes about what I want.

Well, let me put it this way...by the age of ten I knew which college I was going to...I just knew. It wasn't Harvard or anything, it was just what I wanted and I got a full ride there.

When I was twelve I read a book about a doctor and I knew that's what I wanted to do.

When I saw the medical school I wanted...I ended up there...tuition-free too.

When I saw the residency program I loved...well I ended up there.

This has only reinforced the whole "you will know when you see it theory and it will work out"...but does it apply to love? Well, I hope that it does because I am truly a dreamer. So I am kind of waiting for the person who will make me feel like this is sooo right, sooo perfect, and will totally get me. The person will be fascinated with me and I with him. I don't even care how long it takes. I am in love with the idea of that person.

In the mean time I will work on being the best doctor I can be and learn a whole bunch of new things.

I have named my children already, how crazy is that?! However, I am not going to rush and have them with just anyone. If there is one thing I know....you do not want to have kids with just anyone. If that person is a lunatic...you are stuck with the lunatic married or not because you procreated with them.

So here's to being optimistic, loving, happy and learning to be a better person everyday.

Almost Done

So now I am in my fourth year of medical school and I decided I wanted to be an anesthesiologist...the type of doctor women in labor appreciate and those who have had surgery might remember. Most people think....you are not a doctor. I will find out exactly where I will be training in March....so nerve-racking.

I need to think happy thoughts right now. I need to find my center. I need to find myself again. Then maybe I will feel better, happier and more optimistic.

Til I blog again....goodbye

Yesterday...

Yesterday I surprised my boyfriend for his birthday. It was so much fun to do something for someone special and completely catch him off guard. I absolutely loved seeing the shock on his face and making him realize how amazing he is and that I truly appreciate him.

So baby, happy birthday...and I love you.